Breaking Point

I'm think I'm finally to the breaking point. Something is telling me I need to rethink everything in my life. And by everything I mean, location, job, friends, life. I have always been the type of person to put the wants, needs, everything of everyone else in front of mine. To me everyone elses problems were always paramount to mine. I worked hard to help my friends and family in anyway I could, be it monetary or emotional or whatever. But lately all its gotten me is shit. I think I need to start living my life for me, fuck everyone else. I'm sick and tired of being every ones doormat. I drop everything I'm doing for everyone else just to help or hang out or whatever. I just don't see the point in being nice anymore.

My Messed Up Life

Well lets see. I had the most amazing 2 months of my life with the most beautiful girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Then she decides to dump me a week after my birthday . Now I've been trying my fucking hardest to stay friends with her. She still has my heart and soul, and always will. I still love this girl more than I've ever loved anyone else (my son excluded). She made me extremely happy, I honestly don't think I've ever been that happy, for once in my life I never once thought about suicide, or hurting myself. But since then I've had a lot to think about. I just don't feel the drive to live anymore. I'm in constant pain. My heart doesn't even feel like its in my chest anymore, I know this may be melodramatic but its how I honestly feel. When I try and arrange time to hang out with her she blows me off for her friends and for the people I used to call my best friends (that's another thing ill get to). She stood me up the other night, she says she fell asleep but I'm not sure about that. Then she wakes up and instead of calling me calls who I used to call my best friend to go for a drive and stays out until 0300. She says shes sorry and maybe she is but I just don't see it. She says that its an act shes putting on right now for everyone that this break up has been hard on her, poor baby. I'm sorry but hard on her?!?!? WTF. She broke it off with me!!! But yet she goes out with friends every fucking night of the week and stays out till 0200-0300 knowing she needs to get up around 0645. Oh well shes a big girl but it just hurts that she can make all this time for everyone but me. Even though we broke up I was still planning on taking her to Disneyland for her birthday. Well come to find out she made plans with one of her friends (biggest flake ive heard of) to go to Disneyland the day after her bday and to play D&D with him on her birthday. I'm sorry but that's just fucked up. I guess she really doesn't want to stay friends. I don't even know why I try so hard anymore honestly.

Now on to the people I used to call friends. We used to do everything together, movies all the time, going to Disneyland, play pool, just hang out. Now I'm not invited to anything anymore yet she is. I'm stuck at home doing nothing while the people I used to call friends go out and have a great time. I don't know what the fuck happened here. Oh well if this is what my friendship meant to these people then so be it. I don't need this. I've kinda made amends with one of them but its still weird, he still seems distant. One of them I'd like to beat the shit out of. Yes I know it was "a harmless joke" but it fuckin hurt. He grabbed my exs cellphone and started texting me pretending to be her. Saying things like I want you and other things of that nature. I just think that was rude and uncalled for. My ex thought nothing of it. He thought it was funny. And I'm sure the other people there that used to be my close friends thought it was funny as well.

Now to another thing that makes me feel like giving up on life. I filed for divorce, child support modification, a child custody agreement, and a fee waiver. I was denied all these things by a judge here. All I got was a post-it note saying rejected on top of all my paperwork that took months to organize and everything. So I go back and work on it and go to a facilitator to try and help with it all. Well they were no help only made my mother feel stupid. I can't afford a lawyer. Because I live with my mother I don't qualify for free legal aid or the fee waiver. So I have to fork out $450 for the divorce and $65 for the child custody papers. And with me not working I don't see how that's going to be possible. My mother can't help me shes in a financial bind all because of me. I'm just a leech. I bring everyone down that comes into contact with me.

Well I guess that's all I can type right now without breaking down anymore.